Psychological Needs 101 | Volition Counseling

What Are Psychological Needs?

Psychological needs are the essential, inner, subjective conditions that must be met for well-being. If we meet them well, we’ll experience lasting periods of peace, joy, and wholeness. When we meet our psychological needs both personally and interpersonally, we feel serenity, self-efficacy, contentment, and thriving. If we don’t meet them, we may become chronically frustrated, dysregulated, desperate, resentful, anxious, depressed, pessimistic, cynical, listless, numb, and nihilistic. As humans, we crave psychological nourishment as much as food and water. Nourishing our physical and psychological needs is essential to our well-being.

Everyone requires the same psychological needs. But we may value some more than others due to individual factors such as upbringing, genetics, and identity. Our early childhood experiences of not getting our psychological needs met is possibly the most important factor in determining which psychological need(s) we value most.

Psychological needs are subjective, meaning, we each have an inner sense telling us if these needs are met or not. Someone telling us our psychological needs are being met is insufficient, even though they might try to convince us otherwise. Just like someone telling you you’re not tired when you’re struggling to keep your eyes open doesn’t fulfill your need for sleep; someone simply telling us they understand us is unlikely to fulfill our need to be understood. We sense it within us. It is felt.

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The 6 Psychological Needs:

Understanding

We all need to feel understood when we explain something important, when we make mistakes, when we share our passions, and when we feel hurt, sad, confused, or betrayed–when we’re vulnerable. Understanding does not necessarily mean we agree. We can experience deep understanding and still disagree. Regardless of agreement, we long for those close to us to glean a sense of what it’s like to be us. We are eager for an understanding place—an environment that implicitly permits us to express ourselves by reflecting empathy, curiosity, and relatedness back at us.

Actions that cultivate personal Understanding:

Feel your emotions with openness and with the intent to understand, as if they’re communicating something important with you–because they are.
Feel your physical sensations with openness and with the intent to understand, as if they’re communicating something important with you–because they are.
Try new things with patience.
Do your therapeutic work.
Practice sincere curiosity with yourself, especially regarding habits/behaviors you may beat yourself up about.
Practice a breath and/or body meditation.

Actions that cultivate interpersonal Understanding:

Share things that are important to you.
Let others know what you want from them as you express yourself EX: “Please, I’d like you to just listen.”
Listen to others without interrupting.
Practice reflective listening.
Practice empathy.
Practice sincere curiosity.
Be very slow to respond.
Say, “Thank you for telling me.”
Request, “Please tell me more.”

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Acceptance

In order to feel whole, we must have a sense of being accepted. We strive for acceptance. All of us desire to have our whole selves be fully accepted, warts and all. Many of us work to fit in with what we think others will find acceptable, and in so doing, we diminish, suppress, or learn to hate parts of our self. We long for acceptance. Similarly to understanding, do not confuse acceptance with passively agreeing. We can still expect change, cooperation, and compromise even when we accept greatly.

Actions that cultivate personal Acceptance:

Allow your emotions to express with openness and without trying to change them or rush them.
Feeling your physical sensations with openness and with the intent to understand, as if they’re communicating something important with you–because they are.
Practice observing yourself, others, and the world mindfully–paying attention on purpose to self, people, and things in the present moment without judgment.
Practice a breath and/or body meditation.

Actions that cultivate interpersonal Acceptance:

Listen without interrupting.
Lean in (literally), when appropriate, to show acceptance through your body language.
Reflective listening.
Practice empathy.
Practice sincere curiosity.
Be very slow to respond.
Stating to the person who has shared with you, “Thank you for telling me.”

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Connection

At times, we may feel connected to loved ones, community, nature, God, and self. For those who’ve experienced this, you know it can be blissful. Connection is the sense of being integrated. It’s the oneness that we can experience. Our core self desires connection with others, connection with something greater than ourselves (such as God and nature), and connection with self. It’s connection that can make adversity manageable and meaningful. Connection is an essential component to living well.

Actions that cultivate personal Connection:

Spend time with music and literature that adds connection.
Make room for and nurture the sacred, whatever that may be for you.
Feel your emotions with openness and with the intent to understand, as if they’re communicating something important with you–because they are.
Feel your physical sensations with openness and with the intent to understand, as if they’re communicating something important with you–because they are.
Spend time in nature.
Experience awe.
Spend time in silence.
Do therapeutic work to help integrate the self.
Practice a breath and/or body meditation.

Actions that cultivate interpersonal Connection:

Give to others–service, time, gifts, compliments, etc.
Allow others to give to you–service, time, gifts, compliments, etc.
Showing up for people, even if you don’t know what to do or say.
Practicing gratitude.
Practicing empathy.
Practicing sincere curiosity.
Sing, dance, joke, and play with others.
Express connection and care through physical touch, as appropriate: holding hands, hugging, massage, cuddling, consensual sex, etc.

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Safety/Security

We cannot thrive without a feeling of safety/security. It allows us to be okay while we explore, take risks, and make mistakes. A sense of safety and security allows us to be ourselves without fear of ridicule, rejection, reputation-smearing, or violence. We will have a strong capacity to work when it’s time to work, rest when it’s time to rest and play when it’s time to play.

Without a sense of safety/security, we may not be able to relax and rest. A constant undercurrent of stress will be our default and we’ll likely perceive threats virtually everywhere. Because our system is constantly on alert, we’ll frequently feel exhausted and chronically unrested.

Actions that cultivate personal Safety/Security:

Protect yourself appropriately–Avoid getting into situations that may compromise your safety/security and work to replace self-blame with sincere curiosity if you do.
Get good at meeting the first three emotional needs: Understanding, Acceptance, Connection.
Intentionally and appropriately choose to put yourself into situations where you feel uncomfortable and perhaps a little unsafe/insecure.
Feel your emotions with openness and with the intent to understand, as if they’re communicating something important with you–because they are.
Feel your physical sensations with openness and with the intent to understand, as if they’re communicating something important with you–because they are.
Do therapy, especially trauma, family-of-origin, and inner-child work.
Make and keep promises to yourself.
Trust your gut… and question whether your gut (nervous system) is stuck in a trauma response.
Practice sincere curiosity with yourself, especially regarding feelings of insecurity and danger.
Practicing a breath and/or body meditation.
Limit your news intake. If you do pay attention to the news, try long-form journalism rather than clickbait or stories with hyperbolic headlines.

Actions that cultivate interpersonal Safety/Security:

Practice holding boundaries and accepting boundaries.
Surround yourself with people who trust appropriately and who are trustworthy; people who are respectful and respectable.
Practice telling the truth well with those close to you.
Practice receiving the truth well with those close to you.
Make and keep promises to those close to you.
Do your therapy work, especially regarding past and present relationships.
Practicing sincere curiosity rather than judgment.
Be willing to sever a relationship if your boundaries are not honored.

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Power/Control

Power/control is the ability to act or do. It is to have a sense of agency and self-efficacy in one’s life. Power/Control has a strong connection to discipline, motivation, and encouragement. Power/control allows us to work, to be productive, to learn, to act/do. It is the sense that if we do something, there will be an impact–it will make a difference. ‘I can make a difference in the world.’ Interpersonal Power/Control fuels communication, cooperation, collaboration, and synergy.

Without healthy power/control, we can quickly lose motivation and discipline. We may believe we’re chronically failing–like we’re a chronic failure. Ongoing powerlessness and lack of control may grow into discouragement and nihilism. Like the Nirvana lyrics, “Oh well. Whatever. Nevermind.” We may believe nothing we do matters. Unhealthy interpersonal power/control may manifest in efforts to exert power/control over others. Humans have a disturbing history of trying to fulfill their power/control emotional need through manipulation, greed, oppression, racism, violence, rape, slavery, and war.

Actions that cultivate personal Power/Control:

Learn to feel, listen to, and act upon emotions in healthy, productive ways.
Get good at meeting the first three emotional needs: Understanding, Acceptance, Connection.
Get good at the process of things rather than focusing on results.
Gain a better understanding of your story, your life, and why you do the things you do. In other words, understand your default operating system–your patterns. Then choose to act in healthier ways.
Practice being more assertive and perhaps a bit less agreeable.
Physically create–paint, sculpt, carve, weld, garden, build, repair, etc.
Learn something new and put that knowledge into action within 48 hours.
Focus most of your time, energy, and efforts on things within your sphere of control.
Make and keep a physical fitness goal. Focus your goal on the process rather than the results.
Practice sincere curiosity with yourself, especially regarding feelings of powerlessness and feeling out of control.
Practice a breath and/or body meditation.
Limit your news intake. If you do pay attention to the news, try local long-form journalism rather than clickbait or stories with hyperbolic headlines. Act in a productive way.

Actions that cultivate interpersonal Power/Control:

Practice holding boundaries and accepting boundaries.
Surround yourself with people who are skilled at communication, cooperation, and collaboration.
Intentionally make a new friend.
Serve and uplift those who may be less fortunate than you.
Make a request to someone.
Fulfill a request from someone.
Practice being more assertive and perhaps a bit less agreeable.
Make and keep promises to those close to you.
Do your therapy work, especially patterns of exerting power/control over others.
Go out of your way to help a stranger.

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Mastery

Mastery is sensing that we are skilled at some things and can improve and possibly become proficient if we work at it. It is the belief that if we try, we’ll get it. If we practice the guitar, we’ll learn to play Stairway to Heaven. If we practice Spanish, we’ll learn those irregular verbs. Like power/control, a strong sense of mastery is encouraging. It propels us to expand and move forward in life. To practice and grow. To feel like we’re personally evolving. It’s a small dose of the Midas touch–what we work at improves

Lacking a sense of Mastery can feel like the opposite of the Midas touch–everything we touch turns to…whatever the opposite of gold is. We may repeatedly run into failure. We may try really hard at something with no noticeable improvement. We may feel like a failure. Without a healthy sense of Mastery, we may compare ourselves to others and believe they are outpacing us and we’re getting left behind. We may learn to believe that there’s something fundamentally wrong with us. We may stick to our old skillset and avoid trying new things. Or we may avoid trying altogether.

Actions that cultivate personal Mastery:

Learn to feel, listen to, and act upon emotions in healthy, productive ways.
Get good at the process of things rather than focusing on results.
Practice a growth mindset.
Give yourself permission to suck at some things.
Practice combining healthy expectations with self-patience.
Compare yourself to you from yesterday, last month, or last year.
Learn something new and put that knowledge into action within 48 hours.
Focus most of your time, energy, and efforts on things within your sphere of control.
Be honest with yourself regarding your strengths and weaknesses.
Practice using at least one of your strengths daily.
Make and keep a physical fitness goal. Focus your goal on the process rather than the results.
Practice sincere curiosity with yourself, especially regarding feelings of failure.
Do your therapy work regarding experiences and feelings of failure.
Practice a breath and/or body meditation.
Practice something new with diligence and consistency.

Actions that cultivate interpersonal Mastery:

Work with a mentor/coach who can teach and empower you.
Surround yourself with people who are skilled at communication, cooperation, and collaboration.
Put effort into making a new friend.
Serve and uplift those who may be less fortunate than you.
Practice being more assertive and perhaps a bit less agreeable.
Make and keep promises to those close to you.
Do your therapy work, especially patterns of perceived interpersonal failure.

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Conclusion

Our psychological needs are, in fact, needs. Meeting them in healthy ways is as important as eating healthy food, getting sufficient sleep, and breathing clean air. We can, however, meet these needs in unhealthy ways just as we can eat unhealthy food, be deprived of sleep, and breathe noxious air. Eating cotton candy for dinner, slamming energy drinks to function, and breathing diesel fumes all day, will keep us going, for a while. Similarly, meeting our emotional needs in low-quality or even toxic ways may prevent us from feeling totally empty but we certainly will not be nourished, fulfilled, or well.

My psychological needs are my responsibility. Your psychological needs are your responsibility. Ideally, they are met both personally and interpersonally in healthy, nourishing, fulfilling ways. I wish you well in meeting your emotional needs in healthy ways. Doing this well and consistently can be extraordinarily difficult, especially through adversity. I encourage you to be patient, with yourself and others, in your efforts to meet your needs and others’ needs, personally and interpersonally. Doing so will make all the difference.